Here it is—my first letter to my first bad person. If I get a response, I will be sure to post it.
February 23, 2018
National Rifle Association of America
11250 Waples Mill Road
Fairfax, VA 22030
Dear Mr. LaPierre,
I want to start by saying that I think you are a real stand-up guy, and I admire everything you do and stand for. All those people who say things like you’re an enabler of white terrorism, or you’re a soulless, subhuman succubus of hate, or you’re a poor man’s Clint Howard, are just full of shit, and they can bite on the business end of a Heckler & Koch HK416, amiright?
Anyway, I wanted to reach out and say how shitty I think it is that all of these companies—Chubb, Enterprise, Alamo, the list goes on—are abandoning you in this, your time of need. I know I don’t have the sway of any of those industry behemoths, but I’m hoping I can do my small part to be there for the NRA, since it’s always been there for me.
I’m a small business owner—my company manufacturers flush valves and overflow tubes for commercial toilets. I was thinking that, with your blessing, I could start running a series of regional commercials expressing my company’s enthusiastic support for you and the rest of the good folks down at NRA Central. I wouldn’t have the budget to be able to afford any highfalutin special effects or costumes or lighting, but my nephew has one of the newest iPhones, and I’d bet we could put together something pretty special.
I’ve even started tossing around some lines we could use in the commercial:
“Here at Gruen Manufacturing, we refuse to let liberals flush the NRA out of our lives!”
“The U.S.A. might be going down the toilet, but it’s no fault of Wayne LaPierre!”
“Anyone turning their back on the NRA right now can suck a ball cock!”
“It’s time to put a stop valve on anyone talking shit about my man LaPierre!”
I hope you noticed that I’d be ending every line with an exclamation point, to really drive home how angry I am about it all. And yeah, I probably can’t get away with saying shit on TV, but it’s worth a shot.
Again, I know I probably won’t be able to solve all of the NRA’s problems, but this could be my contribution. Please let me know if there’s anything specific you’d like to see in the commercial. I’ll be sure to let you know the times it’s airing.