February 27, 2018
(sent via email)
Dear Ms. Coulter,
I am hoping that your booking agent can forward this letter to you, as I would very much like to share these words with you and not him/her. No offense to him/her, but I don’t know him/her, and so have not established any kind of trust relationship.
Anyway, I’m a huge fan—and fellow Cornell alum!—and am really looking forward to seeing what you’ve got up your sleeves in the coming years. I greatly enjoyed Guilty: Liberal "Victims" and Their Assault on America… Demonic: How the Liberal Mob Is Endangering America… How to Talk to a Liberal (If You Must): The World According to Ann Coulter… Godless: The Church of Liberalism… If Democrats Had Any Brains, They'd Be Republicans, and Treason: Liberal Treachery from the Cold War to the War on Terrorism. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you didn’t like the left. (Wink)
So I’m obviously a big ol’ Republican, but I’m a little conflicted, and hoping you can help me. The respect of people like you means a lot to me, and I’m a bit worried you might consider me a disappointment.
Here’s the problem: I’m in a long-term committed relationship with another man. On the other hand, I think that all illegal immigrants should roast on a spit of hellfire. So—is there hope for me?
I tried to fight the gay urge for the longest time, but in the end, wasn’t able to resist the siren-like allure of cock, as I’m sure you can relate. But let me assure you that, while my bedroom activity may be suspect, nothing fills me with greater joy than seeing a 75-year-old Mexican who has spent the majority of his life in this country being put into handcuffs and dragged screaming from his wife and children. Is it a wash? I sincerely hope so.
If I am to be saved, is it absolutely necessary that I give up penis? Can I maybe just hate immigrants even harder?
As you can tell, this is a matter that has been keeping me up nights. And, to be honest, I don’t usually get that much sleep anyway, if you know what I mean. (In case you don’t know what I meant, I was implying that I’m up at the wee hours Googling images of ICE takedowns.)