March 2, 2018
Trigger Street Productions
755A North La Cienega Boulevard
Los Angeles, CA 90069
Dear Mr. Spacey,
I know that the past year has been tough for you, and I am sincerely sorry for all of the garbage you’ve had to deal with. It’s like America forgot overnight that you are its sweetheart, just because you did some things you regret. Hell, I’ve done things I regret, too. Like, I once told a telemarketer he had the wrong number when he totally didn’t. It’s eaten at me ever since. But we’re both human, you and I.
Anyway, I know that people are probably not banging down your door with new, high-profile projects, and that your career as a Hollywood superstar is likely over, more or less. But, as a fellow human being who makes mistakes and lies to telemarketers and/or sexually molests young people, I believe in second chances.
I am currently casting a play, and there is a part I think you would be perfect for. Granted, it will probably not ever make it to Broadway (I’m honestly a tad worried about filling our 35-seat theatre throughout our run), but I believe strongly in the project, and I know that, with your well-above-average acting chops, we’d have a fighting chance at getting extended to a second weekend.
The play is called The Unusual Suspects, and was inspired by a movie you did a few years back. Beyond the title, however, the two bear very little similarity. It is about a cast of bizarre characters, including one guy with two heads, another guy with polka-dot skin, and another guy who sings everything he says, all of whom are suspected of murdering the president. It is basically a courtroom drama, but with a splash of comedy thrown in (but not so much comedy that it detracts from the drama).
You would be playing the part of the bailiff, who at one point detains the guy with porcupine quills for hair after he inadvertently injures the prosecution. Your character has a really funny line about the whole incident, but I don’t want to give it away before you’ve had a chance to read the rest of the script. It definitely makes more sense in context.
I know it will be a long road back for you, and you might instinctually cringe at the suggestion of taking on such a minor role, but it is my sincere hope and belief that this is the part that will begin to bring you back into the American public’s good graces. If nothing else, it will be great to see you back on the boards, wowing audiences and chewing the scenery in your signature way.
P.S. Please let me know your position on full-frontal nudity.