Jay Cutler

March 13, 2018

March 13, 2018
 


Jay Cutler
℅ Miami Dolphins
Doctors Hospital Miami Dolphins Training Facility
7500 S.W. 30th St.
Davie, FL 33314


Dear Mr. Cutler,
 
As a Chicago Bears fan for nearly all my life, I was devastated when you left the team to play for the Miami Dolphins. But don’t worry—I immediately switched allegiances, threw out all my stupid old Bears shit, and bought like a dozen jerseys with your name on them. Some of my friends have teased me and said I’m just jumping on the bandwagon because the Dolphins are such a superior team, but that’s not it at all. I merely want to root for a real QB—one who thinks and throws outside the box. 

 

Anyway, I own and operate a gym equipment manufacturing facility in Los Angeles, and I’m hopeful you will repay my blind loyalty by agreeing to collaborate with me on a new product I believe has strong potential. My proposal—we put your likeness on one of our speed bags.

 

Now before you argue, saying that you’re not as well-known or popular as someone like Tom Brady, or Aaron Rodgers, or Drew Brees, or Cam Newton, or Ben Roethlisberger, or Dak Prescott, or Kirk Cousins, trust me when I say that we have done our market research. In test studies, subjects have punched the bag with your face on it 23% faster, and 38% harder, than they have with a bag featuring the face of any other NFL quarterback. Even Eli Manning. 

 

If you are agreeable to the idea, I would love to have your input as to which image we should use on the actual bag. We have gone through Google images, and there is a seemingly endless supply of good options. There are some where you look like you just woke up the morning after a rager, others where you look like you accidentally swallowed a grapefruit, and still others where you look like you just finished knifing a hobo. Any of these, according to our studies, would strongly encourage purchasers of our products to pummel your face bag with a ferocious, unmatched intensity. 

 

If this thing takes off like I think it might, I’d also consider getting in touch with my friend Ryan who works at Sony about turning it into a Playstation game. It could be called “Jay Cutler Smack-Around 2019,” or “Cutler Bash-Fest” or “Knock Jay Cutler’s F$@*%#& Face Off.” But we’re probably getting ahead of ourselves.

 

Please write me back at your earliest convenience (which should be soon, since you’re not doing much right now) and let me know how you’d like to proceed. I’m sure you’d also like to talk money, which is fine. I understand that this is a business. 

 

Sincerely,

 
Mark Gruen
 
 

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