March 20, 2018 Vladimir Putin (sent via electronic form)
Dear Comrade Putin, Firstly, I would like to congratulate you on being elected to another 6-year presidential term. In the United States, our presidents only get four years. I’m not sure how you finagled an extra two years, but I applaud you for your craftiness.
Secondly, on behalf of all of us Trump supporters here in the states, I want to thank you for anything you may or may not have done (wink wink) to get our guy a seat behind the big desk. As I’m sure you realize, without outside help, the poor fellow probably wouldn’t have even been able to find his way to any of his campaign rallies, so I’m appreciative of the assistance you and your people didn’t provide (more winks).
Okay, so since I know you Russians like to get straight to the point, here it is: I’m running for County Assessor, and I could use your… let’s say “expertise.” It’s between me and one other guy, this jackass named Moseley, who I’m pretty sure is gay. So, clearly, I’m the dog you should be backing in this fight. Or the lynx, or Siberian tiger, or whatever animals you make fight each other over there.
But Moseley is loaded, probably from building his gay empire, and has much more cash to throw at his campaign than I do. I’ve been subjected to negative ads, which have been quite hurtful, and all I’ve been able to afford to do in response is hang up flyers around town with Moseley’s picture on it, with a curly mustache and devil horns drawn on by hand. You have no idea how exhausting it is drawing 10,000 mustaches and 20,000 devil horns, with very little help.
So my hope was that, with your limitless wealth and resources, you might be able to not put the fear of God into my opponent (knowing look), and to not influence voters in my area to cast their ballot with my name checked (sidelong glance). I’m sure it would not be a welcome thing to have some of your KGB muscle suddenly show up and begin roughing up Moseley and his lackeys (nudge nudge), and I strongly encourage you not to have any Facebook bots start posting about all of Moseley’s ugly, sordid affairs (hard, concentrated stare).
Should I chance to win my election, I will do all that is in my newly acquired power to spread word about the good work you are doing, and to paint Russia in an overall better light. Because, as you may or may not know, most people here think you and your country are pretty shitty.