April 13, 2018
Office of the Speaker
H-232 The Capitol
Washington, DC 20515
Dear Mr. Ryan,
I was shocked and horrified to awake the other day to the news that you have decided not to run for reelection. As a long-time supporter of yours, and someone who believes you have what it takes to make the GOP “G” again, I felt violently, physically ill at the thought of you no longer being in the House. Like...I literally threw up. That’s the point I’m trying to get across.
And yet, as a family man, I can understand you wanting to reorder your priorities and spend more time with your wife and sons, and maybe even your daughter too. So I can’t be too outraged. However, I’m sure you recognize the importance of making sure that a strong Republican candidate runs in your stead. I would like to help with this, if I may, and would like to bounce my idea off you: The Paul Ryan “Fill My Seat” Campaign.
I have access to quite a bit of scratch, and have connections with many regional Wisconsin network affiliates, so I could really get the word out there. The thrust of the campaign would be to impress upon your constituency the gravity of their decision. We could talk about how every Tom, Dick, and Harry will be lining up to occupy the gaping void you are now presenting, but that it will take a very special Dick to adequately satisfy our nation’s lust for strong leadership.
Therefore, if we want to have any hope of plugging this cavity with a deserving gentleman, we have got to inspire the best, brightest, and most virile of folks to step forward, grab the bull by the horns, and drive their message home. We can’t have some flabby, flaccid nominee attempting to congest your hole with weak ambition.
It is true that the cavernous opening you are leaving us by bowing down is massive indeed. But Wisconsin is a state of strong, upright, and firm-minded individuals, and by combining our efforts, surely we can find the right man to go balls deep in your yawning gorge.
Please let me know when we can do a quick call to talk messaging.