May 21, 2018
Aaron M. Schlossberg, Esq.
Law Office of Aaron M. Schlossberg, Esq., P.L.L.C.
275 Madison Avenue 14th Floor
New York, NY 10016
Dear Mr. M. Schlossberg, Esq.,
You have certainly made a name for yourself in the past few weeks! While I’d imagine all the negative press may be affecting you adversely on a personal level, it probably can’t be bad for business! I’m sure you’ve got people banging down your law office door now, eager to be represented by such a well-known and passionate attorney. If you fight for your clients with the same intensity and spirit that you berate your fellow Jews, Spanish-speaking citizens, and other random strangers, anyone would be lucky to have you on their side in court.
Anyway, I’m contacting you because I am a documentary filmmaker, and I would love to feature you in my current project. It is called American Psychos, inspired by the Christian Bale vehicle of (nearly) the same name, and will chronicle days-in-the-life of various smart, successful, good-looking, and completely unhinged individuals.
My movie will attempt to ask—and answer—the hard questions. How can people who have experienced so much apparent success in life be filled with such unmitigated rage? Are they oblivious to the hypocrisy of maligning others for traits they themselves possess? Are they really that mad, or just trying to go viral on YouTube?
If this is something that interests you, I will assemble my film crew and fly out to New York, then follow you around for three to four months, recording your every unprovoked outburst and impromptu tantrum. We will also conduct a series of confessional-style interviews with you, where we will ask you to tell us about your clearly scarring upbringing, and try to explain how you evolved from a small, innocent boy full of hope and optimism to the human equivalent of a rabid raccoon.
As we embark on this journey together, it is important that you not soften your demeanor or otherwise adjust your distasteful personality just because there are cameras present. It is vital that we capture you in all of your appalling, vitriolic glory, so that the depth of your villainy really shines through.
We’re hoping to get the ball rolling on this project soon, so that our film may be Oscar-eligible for 2019. In that regard, please contact me ASAP.
P.S. I think you will be happy to know that, while I am a native Mexican, I have not spoken a word of Spanish since I moved (legally) to the U.S. twelve years ago. Upon arriving in this country, I immediately disavowed my entire culture and way of life, as a humble way of expressing my gratitude that I have the chance to live in a nation where I can be free, pursue the American Dream, and be angrily persecuted by deranged sociopaths at every turn. God Bless the U.S.A.