May 30, 2018
Roseanne Arnold, née Roseanne Barr
Full Moon & High Tide Productions Inc.
424 Main Street
El Segundo, CA 90245-3002
Dear Ms. Arnold/Barr,
As I’m sure you are aware, it has been a rough week for you. One of your recent tweets landed you in hot water—water so hot, in fact, that even ABC has jumped out of the pool.
While I am sorry that this snafu has resulted in the cancellation of your show, since I quite enjoyed following the madcap misadventures of Jackie and Dan and the gang, I hope you will look on the bright side of this situation. After all, it is only your show that has been canceled, and not your life.
I am one of the founders of a racism rehabilitation clinic called “Great White Hope,” located in Pasadena, CA. At our clinic, we admit those with archaic and uninformed opinions about minorities, and strive to metaphorically lobotomize them, so that they may one day be released from our facility as fair-to-decent human beings, capable of interacting in social situations without continually shaming themselves. We think you have great potential to be one such human being, and hope you will entrust your ailing brain to our care, so we can give it the attention it sorely needs.
In case you are doubtful of our clinic’s legitimacy, let me assure you that we are supported and maintained by a host of prominent individuals, in varying stages of recovery. Our current patient list includes the likes of Hulk Hogan, Paula Deen, and Michael Richards. Donald Sterling gave a stirring keynote at our holiday celebration last year, and Mel Gibson has an entire wing named after him.
The vast majority of our patients have testified that they find our services extremely beneficial, claiming that, upon their release, even when they continue to feel animus toward perfectly innocent people purely because of skin color or heritage, they are more sufficiently equipped to keep it to their damn selves.
The world adores you, Roseanne Arnold/Barr. You will forever be considered a national treasure. But no one wants this bitter, unpleasant version of you—rather, we long for the charming, lovable Roseanne of yore. The one we remember from decades ago, a Roseanne who would honor our brave veterans with a solemn rendition of the National Anthem, and not deliver routine racist Twitter rants, mainly because Twitter did not yet exist.
We can help resurrect your former image of sweet-tempered amiability. An angel resides somewhere within your monstrous personality—give us a chance to pry her out of you.
I look forward to your response.