March 27, 2018 Tomi Lahren (sent via email) Dear Ms. Lahren, I am the editor-in-chief of a small (very small—we’re not even on Google) regional newspaper in the Biloxi, Mississippi area. In our next issue, we are planning to run a story in which we are hoping to feature you, if you would be willing. It will be called 30 Under 30—along the same lines as the annual Forbes list of the same name. Our list, on the other hand, will focus on celebrities who are making a splas

March 23, 2018 Alex Jones (sent via electronic form) Dear Mr. Jones, I have been watching your program for many years now, and it just keeps getting better and more insightful. If it weren’t for Infowars, I don’t know where I would get my info from. Certainly not from that commie scum at CNN, or those Marxist-socialists at MSNBC, or those radical hippie Bolsheviks on public access. I’m writing to you with a request that I hope you will at least consider. My mother has b

March 20, 2018 Vladimir Putin (sent via electronic form) Dear Comrade Putin, Firstly, I would like to congratulate you on being elected to another 6-year presidential term. In the United States, our presidents only get four years. I’m not sure how you finagled an extra two years, but I applaud you for your craftiness. Secondly, on behalf of all of us Trump supporters here in the states, I want to thank you for anything you may or may not have done (wink wink) to get ou

March 16, 2018 Martin Shkreli 245 E. 40th St., Apt. 20C New York, NY 10016 Dear Mr. Shkreli, Obviously, I do not have your prison address, so I hope that this letter finds its way to you. Perhaps it will be picked up by a kindly housekeeper or butler who still frequents your residence—to water your plants or whatnot—and they will pass it along via the necessary channels. Assuming that you are, in fact, reading this letter… hello! Let me start by assuring you that I am

March 13, 2018 Jay Cutler ℅ Miami Dolphins Doctors Hospital Miami Dolphins Training Facility 7500 S.W. 30th St. Davie, FL 33314 Dear Mr. Cutler, As a Chicago Bears fan for nearly all my life, I was devastated when you left the team to play for the Miami Dolphins. But don’t worry—I immediately switched allegiances, threw out all my stupid old Bears shit, and bought like a dozen jerseys with your name on them. Some of my friends have teased me and said I’m just jumping o

March 9, 2018 Pat Robertson The Christian Broadcasting Network 977 Centerville Turnpike Virginia Beach, VA 23463 Dear Mr. Robertson, I hope this letter finds you well/still alive. I’m not sure how your eyesight is these days, but if it’s anything like my grandfather’s, you’ll appreciate the large print. You are very welcome. I’m a TV producer in Los Angeles (we’re not all heathens here, I swear!), and am interested in putting together a show similar to your 700 Club, bu

March 6, 2018 Roy Moore (sent via email) Dear Mr. Moore, I am writing with regard to your recent Facebook post, in which you begged your supporters to send you money so you can fight those asshole lawyers who are giving you such a hard time. As a fervent supporter of yours, I am more than happy to contribute what I can to make sure that you end up where you belong - in a large, dimly lit facility surrounded by other men who are seeing that justice is served. And by t

March 2, 2018 Kevin Spacey Trigger Street Productions 755A North La Cienega Boulevard Los Angeles, CA 90069 Dear Mr. Spacey, I know that the past year has been tough for you, and I am sincerely sorry for all of the garbage you’ve had to deal with. It’s like America forgot overnight that you are its sweetheart, just because you did some things you regret. Hell, I’ve done things I regret, too. Like, I once told a telemarketer he had the wrong number when he totally didn’t. It’s