October 6, 2018
Justice Brett Kavanaugh Supreme Court of the United States 1 First Street, NE Washington, DC 20543
Dear Justice Kavanaugh,
I know you’re not even settled in yet - as I write this letter, you were just sworn in as the newest Supreme Court Justice. There hasn’t even been time for the froth on your beer to dissolve! ;)
I felt compelled to contact you because, as someone else who has had to deal with numerous false accusations of sexual assault, I was inspired by the way you handled yourself during that sham of a hearing. As I’m sure you’ll agree, there is nothing more infuriating than having multiple women crawl out of the woodwork to allege crimes we may or may not have committed when we were or were not too inebriated to maintain control over our innate, lusty urges. Even if we did do it, are we to blame for actions taken in response to our natural appetite for flesh? Does an animal in the wild get put on trial and have to go through an entire rigamarole whenever it walks up to another of its kind and takes it from behind? I don’t see a whole lot of wildebeests waiting around to get consent. If they did, there would be a whole lot of extinct wildebeests.
Let me get to right to the point, as you are a busy man and surely have many landmark decisions to overturn. I, along with some of my friends who have themselves been falsely accused many times by women with nothing better to do than ruin lives and careers, have started an organization that strives to put a stop to all this nonsense. Our mission is to wag a stern finger at women who would strike at men in positions of deserved advantage, by taking a serious subject and engendering lies for purely political purposes. It is my hope that you will join our ranks, becoming the preeminent member of Republicans Against Political Exhibitionism.
You wouldn’t have to do very much - just fill out a few short forms, submit your $35 setup fee, and perhaps mention us in a speech on occasion. We would not expect you to attend our rallies, or be a contributor to our series of informational books, or help hawk our branded merchandise. Of course, if you wanted to do any of those things, and were able to squeeze them into your schedule, we would be more than honored. But just having your name attached to ours would help us immensely in getting our message out there.
Republicans Against Political Exhibitionism is dedicated to quieting these ill-intentioned women, by placing a metaphorical hand over their figurative mouths and keeping them pinned to the wall of silence. I know that you feel the same, which is why your support would mean so much to us.