March 27, 2018 Tomi Lahren (sent via email)
Dear Ms. Lahren, I am the editor-in-chief of a small (very small—we’re not even on Google) regional newspaper in the Biloxi, Mississippi area. In our next issue, we are planning to run a story in which we are hoping to feature you, if you would be willing. It will be called 30 Under 30—along the same lines as the annual Forbes list of the same name. Our list, on the other hand, will focus on celebrities who are making a splash in the media or in Hollywood despite having abysmally low IQ scores.
I want to say right out of the gate that I am not trolling you, or proposing your inclusion on our list just to be cruel. It is, in my opinion, nothing short of extraordinary that you have managed to ascend to such an admirable position of influence, with your words and meager thoughts being broadcast to much of the American public, all while struggling mightily in the brain department. It reminds me of someone who is born without the sense of smell, whose greatest ambition is to become a world-renowned perfume saleswoman, and against all odds she achieves that goal, even though she has no idea what she’s talking about.
In addition to simply listing your name in our paper, we would like to do an accompanying interview, if you would be up for it. We feel our readers would be fascinated to hear a bit about your journey, and to get that story straight from the horse’s ass, as the saying goes. We can promise that our questions will be written in very basic, simple English, and you will be able to respond to them at your own pace. And don’t worry about misspellings or grammatical mistakes—we have an editor who can take care of all of that for you. We want to celebrate your incapacity for advanced thought, but we want you to at least come across as someone capable of basic human communication.
Also, as we are aware that you have railed against accusations that you are racist, expressing your displeasure at being referred to as “White Power Barbie,” we would like to give you an opportunity to clear the air on that count. We will give you full editorial authority on the subject, so if there are any alt-right get-togethers or Neo-Nazi soirees you’ve attended, we don’t have to mention them. If it would help, we could even Photoshop you into a photo with a black person, and include that picture with the interview.
Again, I hope that you will not feel offended by the suggestion that you are mentally lacking, but that you have by now come to terms with your oblivion, and would instead be willing to use your fame and power to inspire other addled, simple-minded youngsters that, whether your IQ is under 30 or over 300, the sky's the limit.