April 27, 2018 Bill Cosby c/o Norman Brokaw William Morris Agency One William Morris Place Beverly Hills, CA 90212 Dear Mr. Cosby, I heard the news that you are headed to prison for a healthy stint. While I recognize that you are probably bummed about the outcome of your trial, I would encourage you to look on the bright side. I have personally always been a “glass is half full” sort of a guy. (Although, if I’m ever hanging out with you, I’m definitely going to keep an ey

April 20, 2018 Scott Pruitt (sent via email) Dear Mr. Pruitt, Firstly, I am writing to thank you for all of your hard work fighting the climate change lobby in Washington. It is clear to me—as it is to you and anyone else with a working brain—that climate change is nothing but a hoax, created and perpetuated by left-wing polar bear lovers and clean air aficionados. I happen to have some public debate experience, and was curious to know if you could use my help speaking on you

April 13, 2018 Paul Ryan Office of the Speaker H-232 The Capitol Washington, DC 20515 Dear Mr. Ryan, I was shocked and horrified to awake the other day to the news that you have decided not to run for reelection. As a long-time supporter of yours, and someone who believes you have what it takes to make the GOP “G” again, I felt violently, physically ill at the thought of you no longer being in the House. Like...I literally threw up. That’s the point I’m trying to get ac

April 6, 2018 Orenthal James Simpson #1027820 Lovelock Correctional Center 1200 Prison Road Lovelock, NV 89419 Dear Juice, All I had for your last known residence was your “prison address,” so I am mailing this letter there in hopes that it will be forwarded to you, wherever you are currently “hiding out.” I apologize if I am bringing up any bad memories by inadvertently reminding you that you have spent much of your adult life “behind bars.” But you’re free now, so… wa