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Bill Cosby

April 27, 2018

Credit: The World Affairs Council of Philadelphia

Bill Cosby c/o Norman Brokaw William Morris Agency One William Morris Place Beverly Hills, CA 90212

Dear Mr. Cosby,

I heard the news that you are headed to prison for a healthy stint. While I recognize that you are probably bummed about the outcome of your trial, I would encourage you to look on the bright side. I have personally always been a “glass is half full” sort of a guy. (Although, if I’m ever hanging out with you, I’m definitely going to keep an eye on my glass, no matter how full it is!) ;)

It has been a long time since you released a new stand-up album, or went on tour, but I think this is the perfect time for you to start developing some new, relevant material! Every stand-up today has a million jokes about airplane food, or their ex-wives, or pedophilia, but you have the opportunity to do something truly original—to draw on your real-life experiences as a convict, and funnel your pain into humor!

I know that, between the two of us, you are arguably more of a comedy genius, but I have taken the liberty of writing some jokes that you may want to consider incorporating into your act. You will notice that these jokes feature plays on some of your earlier material. I think it will help to make that connection in the mind of your audience—to remind them of who you once were, long before you let your inner, less-amusing side start shining through.

So here are a few of the jokes I’d be willing to let you use:

  • I love it when prison guards get so mad they can't remember your name. "Come here, Bob, er, Blimpy, er, Billabong... what is your name, boy? And don't lie to me, because you live here, and I'll find out who you are."

  • The prison warden established our relationship the first day of my sentence. He looked at me and said, "You know, I brought you in this prison, and I can take you out. And it don't make no difference to me. I'll bring in another one look just like you."

  • "And tired" always followed sick. Worst beating I ever got in my life, the guy in the prison yard said, "I am just sick..." And I said, "And tired." I don't remember anything after that.

  • I guess the real reason that I molested all those women is the same reason that Napoleon had for invading Russia: it seemed like a good idea at the time.

These are just a few ideas off the top of my head—feel free to use them, or come up with brand new stuff if you still have the mental faculties to do so. Best of luck with your new venture, and I for one can’t wait to see your HBO special after you’re released in 2048. I smell Emmy!


Mark Gruen

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