April 20, 2018
(sent via email)
Dear Mr. Pruitt,
Firstly, I am writing to thank you for all of your hard work fighting the climate change lobby in Washington. It is clear to me—as it is to you and anyone else with a working brain—that climate change is nothing but a hoax, created and perpetuated by left-wing polar bear lovers and clean air aficionados.
I happen to have some public debate experience, and was curious to know if you could use my help speaking on your behalf at events you are too busy to attend. I feel that I deeply understand your various positions, and could help you clear some of your schedule, so that you could attend to other, more important matters than having to fuss with the loathsome United States citizenry.
What I envision is that I would get up behind a podium, explain that you are very sorry you could not make it, and then draw from my years of personal research to convince everyone present that climate change isn’t real, and that the Holocaust never happened.
I am honestly incredulous that anyone, in this information age, still believes in either delusion. However, with an extensive background in reading articles online, I feel adequately prepared to ward off whatever facts may be inconveniently thrown my way. Once I have convinced my audience of these two unassailable truths, I can get into Sandy Hook a bit, maybe touch on chemtrails, and of course cover the moon landing. Ours should be an attack on all matters of self-deception, for if the people disbelieve even one outrageous claim, they are likely not to bear credence to any of them at all.
Additionally, I could bring a bit of star power to these events, as a friend of a friend knows where Elvis has been hiding, and has promised to put me in touch with him. I can’t quite guarantee his presence, but if there’s anything he’s been waiting to reveal himself for, I have to believe it would be this.