March 9, 2018
The Christian Broadcasting Network
977 Centerville Turnpike
Virginia Beach, VA 23463
Dear Mr. Robertson,
I hope this letter finds you well/still alive. I’m not sure how your eyesight is these days, but if it’s anything like my grandfather’s, you’ll appreciate the large print. You are very welcome.
I’m a TV producer in Los Angeles (we’re not all heathens here, I swear!), and am interested in putting together a show similar to your 700 Club, but for a younger, hipper, more awake demographic.
It would be called The 600 Club, as a wry wink to Christian audiences that this ain’t your momma’s 700 Club. We would still cover all the same sorts of issues on our show that you do on yours, such as the immorality of covetousness, the iniquity of sexual freedom, and the idea that anyone who foolishly believes the scientific community’s audacious claim re: climate change should be fed to a polar bear, if there are any left.
To give our show a different spin, however, the role of host will be filled by an actor named Tyler Greenwood, who does a pretty spot-on Jesus. He will talk to the camera as if he really is the Lamb of God, saying things that will connect with today’s youngsters, like, “not getting into Heaven will give you major FOMO,” or “the NRA is totally on fleek,” or “homosexuality is sinful AF.” We’re hopeful that, by presenting this chic, modern Jesus, the next generation will look at Christianity, not as an old, lame religion, but as a much trendier, “woker” one.
Finally, we want to pay homage to you and your show within the context of our own. We’d love to introduce our audience to your work, and educate them about your personal journey, although obviously we won’t draw attention to things like your unsuccessful presidential bid or failure to pass the bar exam. It would probably pain you to even have those brought up.
Anyway, I’ve already gotten my priest’s blessing to go ahead with this thing, but it sure would mean a lot to have yours as well. Please write me back, or dictate your response to someone less feeble, at your earliest opportunity. Thank you.