March 16, 2018 Martin Shkreli 245 E. 40th St., Apt. 20C New York, NY 10016
Dear Mr. Shkreli, Obviously, I do not have your prison address, so I hope that this letter finds its way to you. Perhaps it will be picked up by a kindly housekeeper or butler who still frequents your residence—to water your plants or whatnot—and they will pass it along via the necessary channels.
Assuming that you are, in fact, reading this letter… hello! Let me start by assuring you that I am not one of the millions of people who speak your name like they are uncomfortably uttering an ethnic slur, or who recoil from photographs of your face as if you are some lizard-nostriled, scrotum-faced prickbiscuit who looks like he is in the pre-chemical-accident stage of becoming a Batman villain.
I, like yourself, am a proud and enterprising capitalist, and in your place, I would have acted exactly as you did. Is this not America? Do we not thrive purely because of our free market system? And don’t we have an overpopulation problem as it is? If you ask me, your method of indirectly sentencing millions of poor people to death will accomplish nothing short of making our freeways less congested.
Anyway, let me cut to the chase. I would like to help you, as I believe you have been unfairly treated. Without giving away too much, I am in possession of certain information that will undoubtedly earn you a retrial, and ultimately exonerate you, winning you your freedom long before your time would otherwise be up. I think you will be extremely interested to hear what I have to say, and you may—for the bargain price of 20 billion dollars.
I will be honest and admit that there is some room for negotiation there. Since you are a savvy businessman yourself, I have no doubt you will counter with something like 15 billion, and then I will come back with 18 billion, and we will probably land somewhere in the middle. But at the end of the day, I am sure you will agree that it is impossible to put a price on your freedom—to live the rest of your life unencumbered and happy.
Once you are finished reading this letter and have settled on a figure for your counter-offer, please pass a reply along to your housekeeper, and ask her to forward it to my attention. Once I know where they are keeping you, I will swing by, and we can begin the haggling process.
Also, as I’m sure you’re starving for masturbation material in there, I’d be happy to bring you one of my issues of Penthouse. I can let it go for 750 million dollars, although again, I am open to negotiation. Keep in mind that it’s an early edition.